1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:05,438
Ugly... cheesy...

2
00:00:05,433 --> 00:00:08,068
That is so last year.

3
00:00:08,499 --> 00:00:10,398
Stupid pet catalog.

4
00:00:10,396 --> 00:00:12,531
Five bucks for a squeaker mouse

5
00:00:12,528 --> 00:00:14,796
and it's not even a good faux fur.

6
00:00:14,793 --> 00:00:16,961
These people don't know diddly about cats.

7
00:00:16,959 --> 00:00:18,392
Do they have a section on muzzles?

8
00:00:18,390 --> 00:00:21,659
No. Why would a cat need a...

9
00:00:22,422 --> 00:00:23,888
Aren't you the witty one.

10
00:00:27,619 --> 00:00:29,786
Hello?

11
00:00:29,783 --> 00:00:32,718
Oh, Hilda, that is so juicy.

12
00:00:32,714 --> 00:00:34,181
I understand-- you're sequestered

13
00:00:34,180 --> 00:00:35,647
and you can't discuss the case.

14
00:00:35,645 --> 00:00:37,746
Call me the minute you break.

15
00:00:39,043 --> 00:00:40,777
First day on other realm jury duty

16
00:00:40,775 --> 00:00:43,109
and Hilda's already
on trial, and it's a biggy.

17
00:00:43,106 --> 00:00:45,541
Is it that shady ring
of magic carpet cleaners?

18
00:00:45,538 --> 00:00:48,373
No. The defendant
is the other realm's biggest

19
00:00:48,370 --> 00:00:51,306
and sleaziest supplier
of black market hot tubs.

20
00:00:51,302 --> 00:00:52,769
Lou Packard.

21
00:00:52,767 --> 00:00:53,767
You know him?

22
00:00:53,766 --> 00:00:55,266
We've broken bread.

23
00:00:55,265 --> 00:00:57,934
Lou taught me
all about the world of commerce

24
00:00:57,930 --> 00:00:59,397
how to move merchandise.

25
00:00:59,396 --> 00:01:01,130
Wait a minute.

26
00:01:01,128 --> 00:01:04,330
You two were actually in business together?

27
00:01:04,326 --> 00:01:07,195
If Thailand could talk.

28
00:01:07,191 --> 00:01:08,391
I'll tell you something

29
00:01:08,390 --> 00:01:09,390
if Lou's convicted

30
00:01:09,389 --> 00:01:10,656
and turned into a feline

31
00:01:10,655 --> 00:01:12,589
he'll be appalled by the outerwear

32
00:01:12,587 --> 00:01:13,587
in this catalog.

33
00:01:13,586 --> 00:01:16,121
I mean, what cat with any self-respect

34
00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:18,386
would be caught dead wearing this?

35
00:01:20,048 --> 00:01:21,649
The joke's on you.

36
00:01:21,647 --> 00:01:24,649
I said a cat with self-respect.

37
00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:27,768
Sync by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

38
00:01:27,843 --> 00:01:31,843

 Life's changing around me,
and I'm gonna make it mine 


39
00:01:33,938 --> 00:01:37,938

 I'm reaching out and living
by my rules... 


40
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:43,637

 Time's moving way too fast 


41
00:01:43,632 --> 00:01:47,632

 I wanna make it last... 


42
00:01:50,127 --> 00:01:53,263

 'Cause I'm out on my own now 


43
00:01:53,259 --> 00:01:57,259

 And I like the way it feels. 


44
00:02:11,679 --> 00:02:12,713
I knew we should have shoved our way

45
00:02:12,712 --> 00:02:13,679
up to the front.

46
00:02:13,678 --> 00:02:14,978
Why? He's handing out English papers

47
00:02:14,977 --> 00:02:17,145
not Macy Gray tickets.
Exactly.

48
00:02:17,142 --> 00:02:18,442
I kicked butt on that paper.

49
00:02:18,441 --> 00:02:20,642
I want to collect my "A"
and slide into the weekend

50
00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:22,840
basking in the afterglow
of a job well done.

51
00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:24,406
Beats my weekend plans:

52
00:02:24,404 --> 00:02:26,605
helping my mother pick
out her new toilet seat

53
00:02:26,602 --> 00:02:28,536
and recovering from the "F"
I'm about to get.

54
00:02:28,534 --> 00:02:29,734
You really think you failed?

55
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,134
No, but this way if I did

56
00:02:31,133 --> 00:02:32,900
I won't be disappointed.

57
00:02:32,898 --> 00:02:34,866
I'm going shopping this weekend, too.

58
00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,964
The Apocalypse Fest and Parking Lot Sale.

59
00:02:36,962 --> 00:02:39,130
Killer deals. Everything is priced to move.

60
00:02:39,127 --> 00:02:42,028
Miles, you're up. Look alive.

61
00:02:42,024 --> 00:02:45,160
Professor Carlin, I don't mean
to lay a guilt trip on you

62
00:02:45,156 --> 00:02:46,857
but a bad grade could put

63
00:02:46,855 --> 00:02:50,090
a dark cloud over my entire
apocalypse weekend.

64
00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:51,553
Bring me back a hat?

65
00:02:51,551 --> 00:02:53,486
I always do, sir.

66
00:02:53,484 --> 00:02:55,218
Professor Carlin, I just want to say

67
00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:56,282
what a pleasure it is

68
00:02:56,281 --> 00:02:58,249
to explore American literature with you.

69
00:02:58,247 --> 00:03:00,215
I mean, as Mark Twain once said...

70
00:03:00,212 --> 00:03:02,079
This bites the big one!

71
00:03:02,077 --> 00:03:04,412
Ah, yes-- Becky Thatcher in Tom Sawyer.

72
00:03:04,409 --> 00:03:07,678
She was a real potty mouth.

73
00:03:09,605 --> 00:03:11,039
Sabrina, are you all right?

74
00:03:11,038 --> 00:03:12,238
No, I'm not all right.

75
00:03:12,237 --> 00:03:14,939
I got a "C"! A "C"!

76
00:03:22,063 --> 00:03:23,731
Big deal. You got a "C."

77
00:03:23,730 --> 00:03:24,863
It's not like it's the first one

78
00:03:24,862 --> 00:03:26,529
you've ever gotten.

79
00:03:26,527 --> 00:03:27,627
Oh, my God, it is.

80
00:03:27,626 --> 00:03:30,395
Roxie, this paper is my future.

81
00:03:30,391 --> 00:03:31,725
Getting a "C" is like being told

82
00:03:31,724 --> 00:03:33,991
"Nice try. Now go hose
down the Slurpee machine."

83
00:03:33,988 --> 00:03:36,023
Hey, I got a "C," and I have no intention

84
00:03:36,021 --> 00:03:38,322
of hawking big gulps
for the rest of my life.

85
00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:38,920
I got a "D"

86
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:42,054
and a... giant question mark.

87
00:03:42,050 --> 00:03:43,050
I'm sorry, guys.

88
00:03:43,049 --> 00:03:44,650
You know how I am about my grades.

89
00:03:44,648 --> 00:03:45,881
Psycho.
Psycho.

90
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,781
Hey, I worked really hard on this paper.

91
00:03:47,779 --> 00:03:49,580
I just don't get what the problem is.

92
00:03:49,578 --> 00:03:50,778
The problem is Carlin.

93
00:03:50,777 --> 00:03:52,611
He doesn't want to spoil his reputation

94
00:03:52,609 --> 00:03:54,143
as the toughest teacher at Adams.

95
00:03:54,141 --> 00:03:56,409
Not to mention he's a pawn
of the establishment.

96
00:03:56,406 --> 00:03:58,307
No connection between Huckleberry Finn

97
00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:01,040
and the rise of the military-industrial
complex? Please.

98
00:04:01,036 --> 00:04:03,905
Mystery solved about his grade.

99
00:04:03,902 --> 00:04:06,470
You're going to obsess
about this, aren't you?

100
00:04:06,466 --> 00:04:08,334
No. Obsessing is what Miles does.

101
00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:09,665
I prefer confrontation.

102
00:04:09,664 --> 00:04:11,131
You hate confrontation.

103
00:04:11,129 --> 00:04:12,229
Good point.

104
00:04:12,228 --> 00:04:14,963
Would you go ask Carlin
why he gave me a "C"?

105
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,595
Fine. I'll do it, but you owe me.

106
00:04:25,787 --> 00:04:27,154
Professor Carlin?

107
00:04:27,152 --> 00:04:28,752
Oh, hello, Sabrina.

108
00:04:28,751 --> 00:04:30,519
I don't mean to be
disrespectful or anything

109
00:04:30,517 --> 00:04:32,384
but I just wanted to talk to you
about the grade you gave me

110
00:04:32,381 --> 00:04:33,249
on the Huck Finn paper.

111
00:04:33,249 --> 00:04:35,849
I think it is bogus and totally ridiculous.

112
00:04:35,846 --> 00:04:37,447
Well, I like students who aren't afraid

113
00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:39,446
to express their opinion.
Keep up the good work.

114
00:04:39,443 --> 00:04:41,611
Professor Carlin, it
was a well-constructed essay.

115
00:04:41,609 --> 00:04:42,842
My footnotes were awesome.

116
00:04:42,841 --> 00:04:44,108
I triple-checked for typos.

117
00:04:44,107 --> 00:04:45,775
I even included that bonus paragraph

118
00:04:45,773 --> 00:04:47,540
"Factoids of The Mighty Mississippi."

119
00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:51,174
Look, Sabrina, the mechanics
of your paper were good

120
00:04:51,169 --> 00:04:54,872
but your thesis lacked depth,
originality and punch.

121
00:04:54,866 --> 00:04:56,366
It was oozing with punch.

122
00:04:56,365 --> 00:04:59,267
If you want to argue
that Huckleberry Finn is

123
00:04:59,263 --> 00:05:02,165
about hypocrisy in society,
I'm all for that

124
00:05:02,161 --> 00:05:04,562
but you need specifics to back it up:

125
00:05:04,559 --> 00:05:07,361
how did Huck's upbringing impact
his relationship with Jim

126
00:05:07,357 --> 00:05:08,292
as they rode down the river?

127
00:05:08,292 --> 00:05:10,158
Why did I have to say "river"?

128
00:05:10,155 --> 00:05:12,323
Still, I don't think I deserved a "C."

129
00:05:12,321 --> 00:05:14,622
Well, just work harder
on your next assignments

130
00:05:14,619 --> 00:05:16,320
and eventually you'll get that "P."

131
00:05:16,318 --> 00:05:18,252
I mean, "B."

132
00:05:18,250 --> 00:05:20,652
I'm going to try the third floor.

133
00:05:21,648 --> 00:05:24,149
"B"? I want an "A"!

134
00:05:26,710 --> 00:05:27,710
Oops.

135
00:05:31,641 --> 00:05:35,210
Hilda, Lou Packard has swindled
hundreds of gullible women

136
00:05:35,205 --> 00:05:37,106
out of their life savings.

137
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,939
Yes, I'm sure he has a very nice smile.

138
00:05:39,935 --> 00:05:43,604
No, I will not go to your bank
and make a withdrawal.

139
00:05:43,599 --> 00:05:45,600
Call me later.

140
00:05:45,597 --> 00:05:45,931
I can't believe it.

141
00:05:45,932 --> 00:05:48,899
Hilda is developing a crush on Lou Packard.

142
00:05:48,895 --> 00:05:50,963
What on earth?

143
00:05:51,462 --> 00:05:54,129
What is all of this?

144
00:05:54,892 --> 00:05:57,126
Salem, what did you do, rob a Petco?

145
00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:58,290
Petco? Please.

146
00:05:58,289 --> 00:06:02,289
These are all custom-designed
Salem Saberhagen originals.

147
00:06:03,052 --> 00:06:06,488
"Anti-tick shampoo with jojoba"?

148
00:06:06,483 --> 00:06:09,452
Zellie, witness the rebirth
of animal retail.

149
00:06:09,448 --> 00:06:11,282
My new business...

150
00:06:12,745 --> 00:06:14,346
Cat-opia!

151
00:06:14,345 --> 00:06:15,465
"Furniture, apparel, cuisine

152
00:06:17,409 --> 00:06:19,978
pour le chat a la mode."

153
00:06:19,974 --> 00:06:22,408
"For the cat with ice cream on top"?

154
00:06:22,405 --> 00:06:25,241
The gals in accounting came up with that.

155
00:06:25,237 --> 00:06:26,971
Salem, you can't open a store.

156
00:06:26,969 --> 00:06:29,103
You're no good with the general public

157
00:06:29,101 --> 00:06:30,435
and you have no thumbs.

158
00:06:30,434 --> 00:06:32,001
Not a factor, baby doll.

159
00:06:31,999 --> 00:06:34,601
This is strictly an Internet operation

160
00:06:34,598 --> 00:06:35,998
catering to the millions

161
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:38,164
of felines with discretionary income.

162
00:06:38,161 --> 00:06:39,695
I hate to burst your bubble

163
00:06:39,694 --> 00:06:42,329
but not many cats know
how to work a computer.

164
00:06:42,325 --> 00:06:46,825
Please! Show me a cat
that can't work a mouse.

165
00:06:50,619 --> 00:06:53,087
I've got a much better
vibe about this paper.

166
00:06:53,084 --> 00:06:54,518
I'm feeling very confident.

167
00:06:54,517 --> 00:06:55,617
Then why did you chew off

168
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:56,783
nine of your fingernails?

169
00:06:56,782 --> 00:06:57,782
I need the fiber.

170
00:06:57,781 --> 00:06:59,481
There's nothing to be nervous about.

171
00:06:59,479 --> 00:07:01,414
I told you guys what Professor Carlin said

172
00:07:01,412 --> 00:07:02,812
about supporting our arguments.

173
00:07:02,811 --> 00:07:04,512
We all worked very hard on our papers

174
00:07:04,510 --> 00:07:06,878
and I'm sure it'll be
reflected in our grades.

175
00:07:06,875 --> 00:07:08,509
But don't go by me.

176
00:07:11,238 --> 00:07:12,039
I can't believe this.

177
00:07:12,039 --> 00:07:13,138
We did everything he wanted

178
00:07:13,137 --> 00:07:14,137
and we all got Cs.

179
00:07:14,137 --> 00:07:16,104
This is awesome! I shot up to average.

180
00:07:16,101 --> 00:07:18,369
In a month, I could be wrecking the curve.

181
00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,233
This is insane.

182
00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:22,867
I mean, I supported my thesis
25 different ways.

183
00:07:22,864 --> 00:07:24,798
This paper is filthy with subtext.

184
00:07:24,796 --> 00:07:26,363
Spellman, when are you going to realize?

185
00:07:26,361 --> 00:07:28,262
it doesn't matter how hard
you work for Carlin--

186
00:07:28,260 --> 00:07:31,196
"C" is the best grade anyone
ever gets in his class.

187
00:07:33,590 --> 00:07:36,692
Hilda, I don't care
how dreamy Lou's eyes are

188
00:07:36,687 --> 00:07:40,390
love notes don't usually
contain the words "or else."

189
00:07:40,385 --> 00:07:42,052
Oh, honey, I've got to go.

190
00:07:42,251 --> 00:07:43,251
Hi, Sabrina.

191
00:07:43,250 --> 00:07:45,184
How'd you do on your English paper?

192
00:07:45,182 --> 00:07:46,982
I got a freakin' "C," okay?!

193
00:07:46,980 --> 00:07:48,514
You're kidding.

194
00:07:48,512 --> 00:07:50,480
I thought it was a wonderful paper.

195
00:07:50,478 --> 00:07:52,179
I loved the way you identified

196
00:07:52,177 --> 00:07:54,111
Hawthorne's symbolic use of color--

197
00:07:54,109 --> 00:07:56,210
Dimmesdale's white lofty brow

198
00:07:56,207 --> 00:07:57,774
Chillingworth's black heart

199
00:07:57,773 --> 00:08:00,008
and Hester Prynne's scarlet letter.

200
00:08:00,005 --> 00:08:01,839
All leading to Sabrina's big fat "C."

201
00:08:01,837 --> 00:08:04,071
You know, maybe I'm just
not cut out for college.

202
00:08:04,068 --> 00:08:06,136
Maybe I should drop out, join a road crew

203
00:08:06,134 --> 00:08:07,968
and pick up trash along the highway.

204
00:08:07,965 --> 00:08:10,066
I could meet interesting
felons, work outdoors

205
00:08:10,064 --> 00:08:13,033
plus I'm one of the few people
who looks really good in orange.

206
00:08:13,029 --> 00:08:14,796
Honey, you're not picking up trash.

207
00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:16,328
You're going to stay in school

208
00:08:16,326 --> 00:08:17,760
and finish your education.

209
00:08:17,759 --> 00:08:19,326
You know, I used to love English.

210
00:08:19,324 --> 00:08:20,992
It was always my favorite language.

211
00:08:20,990 --> 00:08:23,124
But now I don't care
if I read another novel

212
00:08:23,122 --> 00:08:24,189
as long as I live.

213
00:08:24,188 --> 00:08:26,556
Oh, honey, I know plenty of tough graders

214
00:08:26,553 --> 00:08:28,020
but turning students off

215
00:08:28,019 --> 00:08:31,355
to learning really cracks my corn.

216
00:08:31,350 --> 00:08:33,484
I'm going to give Professor Carlin
a piece of my mind.

217
00:08:33,481 --> 00:08:34,215
No, please, don't.

218
00:08:34,215 --> 00:08:35,448
Look, I don't want Carlin singling me out

219
00:08:35,447 --> 00:08:37,248
because I cried to my auntie.

220
00:08:37,246 --> 00:08:38,613
I'm not going in as your aunt.

221
00:08:38,612 --> 00:08:40,246
I'm going in as an educator.

222
00:08:40,244 --> 00:08:42,245
I'll be professional and discrete.

223
00:08:42,242 --> 00:08:44,176
You know how good I am with people.

224
00:08:44,174 --> 00:08:46,142
Oh, Professor, so sorry to hear

225
00:08:46,140 --> 00:08:49,375
your wife left you.

226
00:08:49,370 --> 00:08:50,704
She did?

227
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,635
Excuse me.

228
00:08:56,632 --> 00:08:57,399
Are you Professor Carlin?

229
00:08:57,399 --> 00:08:59,666
Yes, I am.

230
00:08:59,663 --> 00:09:03,500
I'm afraid I've already
hired my graduate T.A.

231
00:09:03,494 --> 00:09:06,095
Oh, you thought I was a graduate...

232
00:09:06,092 --> 00:09:07,326
Aren't you sweet.

233
00:09:07,325 --> 00:09:09,025
That depends on who you ask.

234
00:09:09,023 --> 00:09:09,591
And you would be?

235
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:12,125
Single... I mean, Zelda.

236
00:09:12,122 --> 00:09:13,489
I mean, Professor Zelda Spellman.

237
00:09:13,488 --> 00:09:16,123
Hi, Zelda. I'm Arthur.

238
00:09:16,119 --> 00:09:17,452
It's a pleasure to finally
make your acquaintance.

239
00:09:17,451 --> 00:09:19,619
I've been hearing wonderful
things about you. -Really?

240
00:09:19,616 --> 00:09:21,050
They say the quality
of the science department's

241
00:09:21,049 --> 00:09:23,484
gone up 12 notches since you came aboard.

242
00:09:23,481 --> 00:09:26,950
Well, I do have a passion for physics.

243
00:09:26,945 --> 00:09:29,413
I try to use it to inspire my students.

244
00:09:29,410 --> 00:09:30,677
That's very admirable.

245
00:09:30,675 --> 00:09:33,076
Thank you.

246
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,641
You're welcome.

247
00:09:35,638 --> 00:09:39,508
So, uh, not that you need a reason

248
00:09:39,503 --> 00:09:41,804
but what brings you here?

249
00:09:41,801 --> 00:09:44,336
Oh, yes. My niece Sabrina.

250
00:09:44,332 --> 00:09:47,067
Ooh, I wasn't supposed to say that.

251
00:09:47,064 --> 00:09:49,365
Oh, look, just between us,
she's feeling very frustrated

252
00:09:49,362 --> 00:09:50,429
about her Hawthorne paper

253
00:09:50,428 --> 00:09:52,963
which I read and thought was quite good.

254
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,895
It was good but not great.

255
00:09:55,891 --> 00:09:57,525
A great paper would have explored

256
00:09:57,523 --> 00:09:58,990
Hawthorne's frequent use of mirrors

257
00:09:58,989 --> 00:10:00,290
to reveal the characters in her thoughts

258
00:10:00,288 --> 00:10:04,288
and the emotional tension between them.

259
00:10:05,684 --> 00:10:07,985
I'm surprised that wasn't obvious to you.

260
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:10,918
Well, I just skimmed it, really.

261
00:10:10,914 --> 00:10:12,548
But the issue is bigger

262
00:10:12,547 --> 00:10:13,980
than this one paper.

263
00:10:13,978 --> 00:10:16,213
I'm afraid that by being
so tough on your students

264
00:10:16,210 --> 00:10:18,478
you're destroying their morale.

265
00:10:18,476 --> 00:10:21,144
Zelda, I know I'm not
the world's easiest teacher

266
00:10:21,140 --> 00:10:24,242
but I feel my role is to raise
the bar and show these kids

267
00:10:24,238 --> 00:10:26,473
that they're capable of doing better.

268
00:10:26,470 --> 00:10:26,970
That's what's going to prepare them

269
00:10:26,970 --> 00:10:28,370
for the demands of the real world.

270
00:10:28,369 --> 00:10:28,969
It's true.

271
00:10:28,969 --> 00:10:30,869
It's very competitive out there.

272
00:10:30,867 --> 00:10:33,436
Things were so much simpler
when I went to school.

273
00:10:33,432 --> 00:10:36,567
We went to class during the day,
studied at night

274
00:10:36,563 --> 00:10:39,231
and fought the Ottoman
Empire on the weekends.

275
00:10:39,227 --> 00:10:41,796
Rival football team.

276
00:10:41,793 --> 00:10:43,293
Football fan, are you?

277
00:10:43,292 --> 00:10:47,792
Well, I certainly could be.

278
00:10:47,822 --> 00:10:49,556
So, did you talk to Carlin?

279
00:10:49,554 --> 00:10:51,655
Oh! We chatted some.

280
00:10:51,652 --> 00:10:53,219
Well, what did he say?

281
00:10:53,218 --> 00:10:55,053
Oh, this and that.

282
00:10:55,051 --> 00:10:56,451
What this? What that?

283
00:10:56,449 --> 00:10:57,949
Well, he said that if you work harder

284
00:10:57,948 --> 00:10:59,349
you'll get a better grade

285
00:10:59,347 --> 00:11:01,348
and something about mirrors

286
00:11:01,346 --> 00:11:02,746
that I didn't quite understand.

287
00:11:02,745 --> 00:11:03,079
That's all you got out of it

288
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,245
that I should work harder?

289
00:11:04,244 --> 00:11:06,045
That's the gist of hit. Got to go.

290
00:11:06,043 --> 00:11:07,276
Whoa, whoa. I get the feeling

291
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:08,976
there's something you're not telling me.

292
00:11:08,974 --> 00:11:10,441
Oh, all right.

293
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,441
Professor Carlin and I have a date tonight.

294
00:11:12,438 --> 00:11:14,472
A date? You went in there
to bolster student morale

295
00:11:14,470 --> 00:11:16,071
and you came out dating the enemy?

296
00:11:16,069 --> 00:11:19,038
Sweetheart, he's not Saddam Hussein.

297
00:11:19,034 --> 00:11:20,234
He's a man of strong convictions

298
00:11:20,233 --> 00:11:22,434
trying to get the best out of his students.

299
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,732
I'm convinced that if you
really apply yourself

300
00:11:24,729 --> 00:11:27,097
your hard work will pay off.

301
00:11:27,094 --> 00:11:27,495
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

302
00:11:27,496 --> 00:11:31,031
Thanks for nothing, Aunt Sellout.

303
00:11:32,291 --> 00:11:32,859
This is incredible.

304
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:33,991
I can't believe I got an "A"

305
00:11:33,990 --> 00:11:34,981
on the Hemingway paper.

306
00:11:34,980 --> 00:11:35,857
That's the first "A"

307
00:11:35,857 --> 00:11:38,057
Professor Carlin's given out this decade.

308
00:11:38,054 --> 00:11:38,787
You know, I didn't believe it

309
00:11:38,787 --> 00:11:39,421
but I guess it's true--

310
00:11:39,421 --> 00:11:40,854
if you really apply yourself

311
00:11:40,852 --> 00:11:43,020
your hard work will be rewarded.

312
00:11:43,017 --> 00:11:43,884
So, what time are you picking me up

313
00:11:43,884 --> 00:11:45,417
for our date tonight?

314
00:11:45,415 --> 00:11:46,082
The sooner the better.

315
00:11:46,082 --> 00:11:48,116
Looks like you're not the only one

316
00:11:48,114 --> 00:11:49,814
who's applying herself.

317
00:11:49,812 --> 00:11:52,280
What does that mean?

318
00:11:52,277 --> 00:11:53,178
Your aunt's doing all the work

319
00:11:53,177 --> 00:11:55,745
and you're the one getting rewarded.

320
00:11:55,742 --> 00:11:57,976
Congratulations on your "A."

321
00:12:10,398 --> 00:12:12,399
Stop staring at me.

322
00:12:12,397 --> 00:12:13,731
I can't help it.

323
00:12:13,730 --> 00:12:14,262
I never thought

324
00:12:14,262 --> 00:12:15,097
that you would be the one

325
00:12:15,096 --> 00:12:18,097
to rip apart the moral fabric of academia.

326
00:12:18,093 --> 00:12:19,760
What can I say? I'm good with my hands.

327
00:12:20,857 --> 00:12:22,124
For the hundredth time

328
00:12:22,123 --> 00:12:23,423
my "A" had nothing to do

329
00:12:23,422 --> 00:12:25,557
with my aunt dating Professor Carlin.

330
00:12:25,555 --> 00:12:27,723
Miles, would you just lay off of her?

331
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:29,187
We should admire Sabrina.

332
00:12:29,185 --> 00:12:30,452
Thank you, Roxie.

333
00:12:30,451 --> 00:12:32,352
She was just using her
wits and her aunt's body

334
00:12:32,350 --> 00:12:34,217
to get the grade she couldn't
earn on her own.

335
00:12:34,215 --> 00:12:35,382
I did earn it.

336
00:12:35,381 --> 00:12:37,549
That "A" was a huge accomplishment for me.

337
00:12:37,546 --> 00:12:40,181
Of course-- another milestone
in your insatiable quest

338
00:12:40,178 --> 00:12:42,412
to climb the ladder of corruption and evil.

339
00:12:44,641 --> 00:12:46,709
Hey, I'm on your side.

340
00:12:46,707 --> 00:12:49,342
Remember me when you reach the top.

341
00:12:51,903 --> 00:12:54,204
"Through his juxtaposition
of the ravages of war

342
00:12:54,201 --> 00:12:55,702
"to the beauty of the landscape

343
00:12:55,700 --> 00:12:57,467
"Hemingway reveals his personal code

344
00:12:57,465 --> 00:12:59,800
in a world fraught
with cruelty and suffering."

345
00:12:59,798 --> 00:13:00,332
This is a darn good paper.

346
00:13:00,332 --> 00:13:02,131
I earned that "A."

347
00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:03,997
Or maybe this is an average paper

348
00:13:03,994 --> 00:13:05,895
and I earned the eternal contempt

349
00:13:05,893 --> 00:13:07,627
of my friends and classmates.

350
00:13:07,625 --> 00:13:08,992
I need another opinion.

351
00:13:08,991 --> 00:13:11,159
Where am I going to find someone

352
00:13:11,156 --> 00:13:14,124
who's impartial and objective
with a strong ethical sense?

353
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,322
Greetings, little lady.

354
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,155
May I please speak
to the feline of the house?

355
00:13:19,151 --> 00:13:20,484
What are you doing?

356
00:13:20,483 --> 00:13:23,786
Branching out from the Internet
to direct sales.

357
00:13:23,781 --> 00:13:27,483
I need your opinion on my new products.

358
00:13:28,810 --> 00:13:30,311
"Saberhagen's Miracle Worm Elixir?

359
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,844
Eliminates worms, blemishes
and limp-whisker syndrome."

360
00:13:32,841 --> 00:13:34,075
What's in this?

361
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:35,975
Like I'd tell you.

362
00:13:35,972 --> 00:13:37,306
Patent Pending.

363
00:13:37,305 --> 00:13:38,405
Salem, I don't have time

364
00:13:38,404 --> 00:13:39,671
for your snake oil Hucksterism.

365
00:13:39,670 --> 00:13:41,570
I got to figure out whether
I earned that "A"

366
00:13:41,568 --> 00:13:43,269
or if Professor Carlin just gave it to me

367
00:13:43,267 --> 00:13:44,534
'cause he's dating Aunt Zelda.

368
00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:45,900
Dating?

369
00:13:45,899 --> 00:13:48,200
For the past week,
he's been chasing her around the house

370
00:13:48,197 --> 00:13:49,231
like an animal in heat.

371
00:13:49,230 --> 00:13:51,064
Speaking of which

372
00:13:51,062 --> 00:13:53,297
can I interest you in a home spaying kit?

373
00:13:53,294 --> 00:13:54,560
"An animal in heat"?

374
00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:57,828
$12.99, and you get a full refund

375
00:13:57,823 --> 00:14:00,492
should you inadvertently have kittens.

376
00:14:10,215 --> 00:14:11,315
Professor Carlin, do you have a minute?

377
00:14:11,314 --> 00:14:12,547
Uh, maybe later, Sabrina.

378
00:14:12,546 --> 00:14:13,747
I have a class if...

379
00:14:13,746 --> 00:14:15,580
I could just get this door open.

380
00:14:15,578 --> 00:14:16,678
I'll be quick.

381
00:14:16,677 --> 00:14:18,611
I just wanted to talk
to you about this thing

382
00:14:18,609 --> 00:14:19,709
between you and my aunt.

383
00:14:19,708 --> 00:14:23,411
Ah, yes, the exquisite Zelda.

384
00:14:23,406 --> 00:14:24,207
Hey, you never told me

385
00:14:24,207 --> 00:14:25,239
your aunt was a vision of loveliness.

386
00:14:25,238 --> 00:14:27,539
Not unlike the young Lady Chatterley.

387
00:14:27,536 --> 00:14:29,971
Funny, I don't know
how that didn't come up in class.

388
00:14:29,968 --> 00:14:31,702
Listen, can I ask you about my grade?

389
00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:33,968
You must be quite pleased
about finally getting that "A."

390
00:14:33,965 --> 00:14:35,132
I'm outraged.

391
00:14:35,131 --> 00:14:36,465
It's one thing to work hard for an "A"

392
00:14:36,464 --> 00:14:37,731
but it's another to be handed one

393
00:14:37,730 --> 00:14:39,130
you may not deserve because your aunt

394
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:40,395
is dating your English professor.

395
00:14:40,394 --> 00:14:41,828
I don't like what you're implying.

396
00:14:41,827 --> 00:14:43,594
Okay, maybe you didn't do it on purpose

397
00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:45,727
but if you were easier
on me than everyone else

398
00:14:45,724 --> 00:14:46,757
that's just not right.

399
00:14:46,757 --> 00:14:48,358
I don't understand-- first you complain

400
00:14:48,356 --> 00:14:50,290
my grades are too hard--
now they're too soft.

401
00:14:50,288 --> 00:14:51,455
I just want what's fair.

402
00:14:51,454 --> 00:14:53,355
I would really like it
if you would reread my essay

403
00:14:53,352 --> 00:14:54,585
and give me the grade I deserve.

404
00:14:54,584 --> 00:14:55,584
All right, fine.

405
00:14:55,584 --> 00:14:56,851
If it will make you happy

406
00:14:56,849 --> 00:14:58,917
I'll take it home and have
a look at it tonight.

407
00:14:58,915 --> 00:15:00,515
What is with the doors in this building?

408
00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:04,678
Thank you.

409
00:15:05,478 --> 00:15:07,812
No, Hilda, even if he is proven innocent.

410
00:15:07,809 --> 00:15:08,809
I have no intention

411
00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:10,942
of double-dating in a hot tub

412
00:15:10,940 --> 00:15:13,575
with you, Lou and his brother Stu.

413
00:15:13,571 --> 00:15:15,572
Oh, what now?

414
00:15:15,770 --> 00:15:19,272
Hey, foxy mama, what are you doing later?

415
00:15:19,267 --> 00:15:21,034
I knock off at 5:00.

416
00:15:21,032 --> 00:15:22,967
I'm going to knock you off right now.

417
00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:24,165
Hilda, I've got to go.

418
00:15:24,164 --> 00:15:26,532
Salem, Arthur's going
to be here any minute.

419
00:15:26,529 --> 00:15:29,030
I can't have you driving
around the living room on a forklift.

420
00:15:29,027 --> 00:15:32,230
Sorry, but one of my boys called in sick.

421
00:15:32,226 --> 00:15:34,293
Oh, feast your eyes on this baby.

422
00:15:34,290 --> 00:15:36,859
I know I'm going to be sorry I asked this

423
00:15:36,856 --> 00:15:38,056
but what is that?

424
00:15:38,055 --> 00:15:39,555
Meet the Relax-a-Cat

425
00:15:39,553 --> 00:15:42,088
the one-stop feline pleasure center.

426
00:15:42,085 --> 00:15:44,320
Let me demonstrate.

427
00:15:46,216 --> 00:15:48,183
Oh, go work it, baby.

428
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:49,448
That's disgusting.

429
00:15:50,946 --> 00:15:51,946
Arthur's here.

430
00:15:51,945 --> 00:15:53,111
Floor show's over.

431
00:15:53,110 --> 00:15:54,110
In a minute.

432
00:15:54,110 --> 00:15:55,444
This is the best part.

433
00:15:55,442 --> 00:15:59,111
No, this is the best part.

434
00:16:03,070 --> 00:16:06,339
Mmm... peanut butter?

435
00:16:06,335 --> 00:16:08,336
Interesting.

436
00:16:11,565 --> 00:16:12,499
Hi.

437
00:16:12,498 --> 00:16:15,365
Hello. You look absolutely ravishing.

438
00:16:15,362 --> 00:16:16,563
Thank you.

439
00:16:16,562 --> 00:16:19,597
I've always depended
on the compliments of strangers.

440
00:16:19,592 --> 00:16:22,160
I believe the correct
Tennessee William's quote

441
00:16:22,157 --> 00:16:23,925
is "the kindness of strangers."

442
00:16:23,923 --> 00:16:25,790
I was making a joke.

443
00:16:25,788 --> 00:16:28,023
Oh, well, I'll get my bag.

444
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:29,854
We'll be on our way.

445
00:16:29,852 --> 00:16:34,122
Hey, Zelda, what is all this junk?

446
00:16:34,116 --> 00:16:36,017
Just a few odds and ends.

447
00:16:36,015 --> 00:16:37,816
Shouldn't we be going?

448
00:16:37,814 --> 00:16:41,783
"The Ultimate Kitty Colon Cleanser."

449
00:16:41,777 --> 00:16:43,211
I'm thinking of starting

450
00:16:43,209 --> 00:16:44,976
a little business on the side.

451
00:16:44,974 --> 00:16:47,342
I like to dabble in different fun things.

452
00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:49,407
A cat colon cleansing company?

453
00:16:49,405 --> 00:16:51,640
You have to admit, you don't
see anyone else doing it.

454
00:16:51,637 --> 00:16:53,404
"Kitty Culottes"?

455
00:16:53,402 --> 00:16:54,435
"Feline Footwear"?

456
00:16:54,434 --> 00:16:56,502
Zelda, you shouldn't be wasting your time

457
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:57,500
with this nonsense.

458
00:16:57,499 --> 00:16:58,566
It's my time.

459
00:16:58,565 --> 00:16:59,865
I can do what I want with it.

460
00:16:59,864 --> 00:17:01,265
Why are you always telling me

461
00:17:01,264 --> 00:17:02,764
what I should and shouldn't do?

462
00:17:02,762 --> 00:17:04,897
It's just... I hate dabblers.

463
00:17:04,895 --> 00:17:07,296
You also hate wines that aren't from France

464
00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:08,960
restaurants without Maitre d's

465
00:17:08,958 --> 00:17:10,459
movies without subtitles...

466
00:17:10,457 --> 00:17:11,457
That's not true.

467
00:17:11,457 --> 00:17:13,158
I enjoyed Bonfire of the Vanities.

468
00:17:13,156 --> 00:17:14,389
Of course, that was after

469
00:17:14,388 --> 00:17:16,289
a bottle of excellent French burgundy.

470
00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:18,921
As usual, you're missing the entire point.

471
00:17:18,918 --> 00:17:20,552
You criticize everything.

472
00:17:20,550 --> 00:17:22,050
Zelda, all I was trying to say was

473
00:17:22,049 --> 00:17:24,084
it's the dabblers
and dilettantes of the world

474
00:17:24,081 --> 00:17:25,114
who lower the bar

475
00:17:25,113 --> 00:17:26,847
and undermine the work of serious thinkers.

476
00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:28,147
And it's the narrow-minded

477
00:17:28,145 --> 00:17:29,612
judgmental blowhards of the world

478
00:17:29,611 --> 00:17:30,744
who stifle creativity.

479
00:17:30,743 --> 00:17:31,677
I hate those people, too.

480
00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:33,009
I was talking about you.

481
00:17:33,008 --> 00:17:34,208
Is that another joke?

482
00:17:34,207 --> 00:17:36,442
Do you see me laughing?

483
00:17:36,439 --> 00:17:40,108
Hey, Salem, you left
your sample case at my house

484
00:17:40,103 --> 00:17:42,505
and there's an awful odor coming from it.

485
00:17:42,502 --> 00:17:45,604
Yeah, that worm elixir has
a shelf life of one hour.

486
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,268
But I got a new idea
that'll go through the roof.

487
00:17:48,264 --> 00:17:49,631
Flea-nut Butter.

488
00:17:49,630 --> 00:17:51,464
Actually that doesn't sound too bad

489
00:17:51,462 --> 00:17:52,829
but I just might be giddy

490
00:17:52,828 --> 00:17:55,497
because of my moral victory
with Professor Carlin.

491
00:17:55,493 --> 00:17:57,660
I might be getting a lower grade. Woo-hoo!

492
00:17:57,657 --> 00:17:59,058
You pompous jerk!

493
00:17:59,057 --> 00:18:00,891
You frivolous little dilettante.

494
00:18:00,889 --> 00:18:02,556
You should really be happy now.

495
00:18:02,554 --> 00:18:04,956
Sounds like Zelda's going
to score you an "F."

496
00:18:04,953 --> 00:18:06,053
Woo-hoo!

497
00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:08,120
Oh, no.

498
00:18:08,118 --> 00:18:09,118
I have had it

499
00:18:09,117 --> 00:18:10,917
with your nit-picking perfectionism

500
00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:12,616
always demanding that I do better.

501
00:18:12,614 --> 00:18:14,982
Hello! Physically impossible.

502
00:18:14,979 --> 00:18:16,613
I was trying to inspire you.

503
00:18:16,611 --> 00:18:18,779
But obviously, you're a hopeless case.

504
00:18:18,777 --> 00:18:19,977
You infuriate me.

505
00:18:19,976 --> 00:18:20,976
You disgust me.

506
00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:22,042
You repulse me.

507
00:18:22,041 --> 00:18:24,042
Are we going to kiss now?
No.

508
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:25,040
Just checking.

509
00:18:25,039 --> 00:18:26,039
Hi, guys.

510
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:27,138
Care for some dried fruit?

511
00:18:27,138 --> 00:18:28,572
No, thank you. I was just leaving.

512
00:18:28,570 --> 00:18:30,170
Oh, come on. The figs are really yummy.

513
00:18:30,168 --> 00:18:31,168
Yummy?

514
00:18:31,168 --> 00:18:32,469
You call yourself a college student?

515
00:18:32,467 --> 00:18:33,633
You sound like a five-year-old.

516
00:18:33,633 --> 00:18:35,701
How dare you insult my niece?

517
00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:37,599
No, no, no. He was right to insult me.

518
00:18:37,597 --> 00:18:39,164
I'd like to substitute "yummy"

519
00:18:39,162 --> 00:18:40,863
with "gastronomically pleasing."

520
00:18:40,861 --> 00:18:41,928
Don't pander to him.

521
00:18:41,927 --> 00:18:43,861
If you want to say
"yummy," you say "yummy."

522
00:18:43,859 --> 00:18:46,694
If you want to call him a big
dummy, you go right ahead.

523
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:47,790
But I don't want to.

524
00:18:47,790 --> 00:18:48,790
Well, I do.

525
00:18:48,789 --> 00:18:51,124
Dummy, dummy, dummy, dummy, dummy!

526
00:18:51,121 --> 00:18:52,555
Nanny-nanny-nanny goat.

527
00:18:52,553 --> 00:18:56,389
And on that mature note, I bid you adieu.

528
00:18:56,384 --> 00:19:00,554
Wait! Wait!

529
00:19:00,548 --> 00:19:02,615
She doesn't know what she's saying!

530
00:19:02,612 --> 00:19:04,380
She's not my real aunt!

531
00:19:04,378 --> 00:19:06,312
I am so getting an "F."

532
00:19:08,342 --> 00:19:09,843
So, we're into bribes now.

533
00:19:09,841 --> 00:19:11,942
That is so Godfather.

534
00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:13,140
I like it.

535
00:19:13,139 --> 00:19:15,174
It might be my last chance
to salvage a decent grade.

536
00:19:15,171 --> 00:19:16,905
You really think pork
pate and a hard salami

537
00:19:16,903 --> 00:19:17,903
is going to help you?

538
00:19:17,903 --> 00:19:18,969
And what's that stuff?

539
00:19:18,968 --> 00:19:20,636
Flea-nut butter.

540
00:19:20,634 --> 00:19:22,034
I'm desperate.

541
00:19:25,631 --> 00:19:27,231
Good morning, Professor Carlin.

542
00:19:27,229 --> 00:19:28,229
Hello, Sabrina.

543
00:19:28,228 --> 00:19:30,163
I just wanted to bring you some things

544
00:19:30,161 --> 00:19:32,062
to apologize for the whole dilettante

545
00:19:32,060 --> 00:19:33,560
aunt debacle.

546
00:19:33,558 --> 00:19:35,025
"Debacle"? It's a good word.

547
00:19:35,024 --> 00:19:36,892
Definitely a step up from "yummy."

548
00:19:36,889 --> 00:19:38,690
You know, who was I to argue

549
00:19:38,688 --> 00:19:40,689
with your whole grading method?

550
00:19:40,687 --> 00:19:43,255
Some naive college student, that's who.

551
00:19:43,252 --> 00:19:45,420
So, I say let bygones be bygones.

552
00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:49,453
You know, we go back to the original
grade, start fresh. Pate?

553
00:19:49,447 --> 00:19:50,647
No, thanks.

554
00:19:50,646 --> 00:19:53,114
Sabrina, I reread your paper,
and you were right.

555
00:19:53,111 --> 00:19:54,845
The grade I gave you wasn't fair.

556
00:19:54,843 --> 00:19:55,977
So I changed it.

557
00:19:55,976 --> 00:19:58,344
Why did I open my big mouth?

558
00:19:58,341 --> 00:19:59,875
A-plus? Are you drunk?

559
00:19:59,874 --> 00:20:01,107
When I went through it again

560
00:20:01,105 --> 00:20:03,273
I discovered nuances
I'd missed on the first read.

561
00:20:03,271 --> 00:20:04,638
You did a truly superior job.

562
00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:05,936
You deserved a better grade.

563
00:20:05,935 --> 00:20:07,870
Even though my aunt called you pompous?

564
00:20:07,868 --> 00:20:10,970
Well, I can be a bit pompous sometimes.

565
00:20:10,966 --> 00:20:13,701
I'm afraid I owe Zelda an apology.

566
00:20:13,697 --> 00:20:16,065
You know, Professor Carlin,
I just want to point out

567
00:20:16,062 --> 00:20:18,397
that you have a lot of bright,
motivated students.

568
00:20:18,394 --> 00:20:19,427
And I think it's great

569
00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:20,793
that you want to raise the bar

570
00:20:20,792 --> 00:20:22,726
but sometimes you have to meet us halfway.

571
00:20:22,724 --> 00:20:24,025
Point taken.

572
00:20:24,024 --> 00:20:26,291
Miss Spellman, you've a lot of gumption.

573
00:20:26,288 --> 00:20:28,857
"Gumption"? Is that the best
word you can come up with?

574
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:30,020
Yes, it was.

575
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,954
And I'm fine with that; great word.

576
00:20:41,078 --> 00:20:42,712
Great to see you again, Lou.

577
00:20:42,710 --> 00:20:44,544
The years have been good to you.

578
00:20:44,542 --> 00:20:45,709
You, too.

579
00:20:45,708 --> 00:20:49,111
We got some memories, don't we, Saberhagen?

580
00:20:49,106 --> 00:20:51,240
We'll always have Bangkok.

581
00:20:51,238 --> 00:20:55,174
Hmm, you know, I thought
I was a goner this time.

582
00:20:55,168 --> 00:20:56,936
Thank God for that ditzy blond

583
00:20:56,934 --> 00:20:59,402
who kept winking at me from the jury box.

584
00:20:59,399 --> 00:21:00,833
That's my Hildy.

585
00:21:00,831 --> 00:21:03,633
So, let's get down to business.

586
00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:04,930
Ready to buy me out

587
00:21:04,928 --> 00:21:07,429
make a fortune cleaning cat colons?

588
00:21:07,426 --> 00:21:08,560
I've done worse.

589
00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:10,493
Yeah. To me.

590
00:21:13,788 --> 00:21:15,990
Schnapps?

591
00:21:15,988 --> 00:21:16,988
Please.

592
00:21:21,317 --> 00:21:23,785
To us.

593
00:21:25,348 --> 00:21:27,048
Oh...

594
00:21:27,046 --> 00:21:28,047
I got the good jet.

595
00:21:28,097 --> 00:21:32,647
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